Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Indiana Jones Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Script Revealed

Alien Resistance spies have stolen a copy of the new script for Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull, formerly titled "Indiana Jones: Close Encounters of the Third Reich."

We present to you here an extensive synopsis, play-by-play if you will of the entire movie from beginning to end.

We know that the original story by Frank Darabont had nazis, Sallah, and no aliens...but once George Lucas got a hold of it, he added Jones, Jr., aliens, and Area 51. Here it is:

Our story begins at the university where Indiana Jones teaches. There are plenty of in-jokes and references to girls writing on their eyelids, the old Denholm Elliot who's dead, Indy's nicknacks in his office, continuously reminding us, "hey this IS an Indiana Jones movie."

Indy's life has become boring, and he parouses old books on the Holy Grail, the Ark of the Covenant, and Shankara Stones, while trying to locate a book in the library, which turns into a series of gaffs and silly jokes about how one can have an adventure in a university library, with ridiculous look-alikes of Nazis from the first film.

Okay, so he runs into "Mutt" who is really Jones, Jr. Shia Labeouf. This kid is in the library looking for every book written by Abner Ravenwood. Most of which are in archives not for public viewing. Dr.Jones approaches him and is insulted by Labeouf who says that stuffy old college professors know nothing of the experience of the real world, and that they spend too much time dreaming while reading dusty old books. Before Indy has anything to say about it, winking to the camera, Labeouf spots Abner Ravenwood's "Temple of the Crystal Skull" treatise, and grabs it, and runs out the door, gets on his motorcycle and speeds off. The librarian gives Indy a stern look, and Indy's off to retrieve this priceless artifact.

He follows him to a coffee shop, and for the first time we see an American town in an Indiana Jones film. Shia is kicking back reading the book, and 50's rock and roll music is heard in the background...noticeably, a theme from American Graffitti. This will not be the last time. As Indy drives past, we see his truck has the license plate THX 1138. Shia sees him, gets up and goes inside the coffee shop. A peculiar beatnik girl follows him, and Indy watches, unnoticed. Shia is followed all the way to the back door, when two trenchcoat men grab him and hand the book to the beatnik girl, who now has pulled out a very large pistol. They throw Shia in the back of their car and drive off, and Indy follows.

They arrive at a warehouse, and drive inside. Indy parks just outside on the street. He then notices two men in fedoras parked just on the other side. They see him, and get out and move towards him. Indy opens the glove-box and pulls out his trust pistol which just happens to be in there, but before he can lean back and see if its loaded, "FBI, step out of the car please."

The agents inform Dr. Jones that Soviet spies are inside the warehouse, Indy tells them he's from the University and they've stolen University property. Just then, the car the soviet agents were driving comes flying out of the warehouse, guns ablazing. Shia is gagged in the back of the car. The two FBI agents are crushed and Indy must persue them. They enter a populated part of town, where it would seem American Graffitti has been recreated with cruisers, greasers and boppers galore, getting in the way of the chase. More ridiculous jokes are to be had, until they get to an airport. Indy manages to latch himself to the soviet spies' plane as it takes off, they still have Shia tied up. He makes his way into the luggage compartment, and the plane heads for Peru. Indy pulls some cables and the luggage goes flying out, the soviets notice something's up and start shooting the floor of the plane, one guy hits something important, and Indy fires a shot which goes through the plane's inside and hits an engine. There goes the plane! Into the ocean.

The plane crashes into the ocean, and Indy, the beatnick girl and Shia Labeouf survive, and soon enough they are surrounded by sharks. Richard Dreyfuss arrives in a boat to save the day, with some cheesy dialogue about the 'Jaws of Doom' or something or other. The three troublemakers, make it to the coast, and meet up with more trenchcoat men, the beatnick girl runs away, and Indy and Shia are taken into a hotel by the gruff men in fedoras. They get inside and there they meet Marion Ravenwood, who has made some deal with the government to find her father, Abner who is suspected of working with the Russians.

A worthless and unfunny exchange occurs between Marion, Indy, and Shia Labeouf, who we find out is Marion's son. There information is conveyed about the Crystal Skull, and the Lost Temple in which it is supposedly hidden. I'll skip ahead to more exciting moments, they make their way into the jungle based on information in the book, which tells of the Kingdom of the Skull. They find that russians have been slashing and burning the jungles to get to this lost city. We never actually discover why the hell communists are interested in lost religious idols and supernatural hocus pocus, but because George Lucas didn't want Nazis to be badguys this time around, essentially what we have is low-grade B-movie nonsense.

So they find the Temple, go inside, and discover it has something to do with aliens, and after a series of boobytraps, bad jokes and loud John Williams music Indy finds Abner, Aliens who have Speak N' Spells that are rigged to their strange Mayan technology fitted inside a pyramid. Shia offers them Reese's Pieces and they only respond that they want to talk to Richard Dreyfuss, the shark guy.

Needless to say, the movie is so packed with idiotic references to old Spielberg and George Lucas films that either remind you that its being made by these two jerks, or there's the bad jokes that keep telling you "remember this IS an Indiana Jones film!"

Hey, here's a tidbit about George Lucas' Negative Energy.

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